April 18

Complaint of Cardi B

• 0212 hours
• University Columns
• Student asked to stop “eeeoowwwing”

April 19

Vehicle theft

• 1835 hours
• Chaplin’s Lake
• Thief was a squirrel and drove car into lake; car didn’t sink due to silt buildup

Suspicious person

• 2153 hours
• Varnado Hall
• Was actually mold monster (think Oogie Boogie from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”); defeated with Super Soaker shooting Pine-Sol

April 20

Noise complaint

• 0814 hours
• Caspari Hall
• Floors are just so damn squeaky

Drug law violations

• 2040 hours
• DemonFest
• Duh.

April 21

No criminal activity

• Students in bed all day hungover

April 22

Animal sacrifice

• 2226 hours
• Greek Row
• Initiation ritual; members asked to sweep carcass under rug where other secrets hide

April 23

Hit and run

• 0305 hours
• University Parkway
• Victim dreamed Chick-fil-A opened and was sleepwalking to Neebo

Complaint of feces

• 1002 hours
• CAPA
• Musical director has had enough of her students’ s—; left hot, stinking pile on stage

April 24

Drunk and disorderly conduct

• 1857 hours
• University Place II Lot
• Student not under the influence; Sodexo food made him appear intoxicated