SATIRE: Dear FBI Agent,

I think there’s something we need to talk about, and it’s vitally important.

Although my Google search history may suggest otherwise, I’m just a wayward writer trying to make her way in the world.

My stories are those of pain and anguish and heartbreak – all the things that we face in life that are too hard to deal with. Sometimes characters need to be taken down a peg through torture or violence.

At first, I was scared to search some of the things that I needed to. Would I be put on a list if I googled, “How much blood comes out of a stab wound to the stomach?” Surely I would be arrested if anyone saw I looked up which place was the best for a nonfatal gunshot wound.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This is what a murderer would say if he or she didn’t want to be found out. Also, how did you know I’m reading all of your computer files all the time?”

Arguably, this is the weirdest experience I’ve ever had. I never thought I would be sending a letter to my personalized FBI agent, except in my head when I imagined contacting Agent Mulder from the “X-Files.”

(Research I’ve done shows the “X-Files” are real, so I will be trying to find the aliens.)

Sorry to make this letter so weird; as I said, I haven’t exactly done this before.

On that note, I guess I better wrap this up. I mostly just wanted to assure you that I am not a murderer, and my Google search history means nothing.

Nothing I search should be used against me! Is it weird to include that line? I guess it doesn’t matter since you’re probably reading this as I type it. Oh well.

So, yeah, I guess that’s it. I guess I’ll leave you to monitor me now…

Thanks for your time,

Your friendly neighborhood (and not a murderer) writer

Zoe Almaraz

P.S. Is it weird I kinda want to meet you one day? I’m curious to see the government agent assigned to keep tabs on me, a rambling girl with too many wild ideas. Should we get coffee and donuts? Wait, that’s a cop stereotype. What do FBI agents eat? Nevermind, I’ll Google it.