MADDIE FRY
Reporter

NSULA Creative and Performing Arts celebrates as one of their students gets his big break: Jay Canova, slave to CAPA, has been cast as Dead Body #9 on an episode of “Law & Order: Special Criminal Victims Unit.” The senior will appear in the background for a period of four seconds, making this his television debut.

Sean Grady, a fellow indentured servant of NSU Theatre & Dance, speculated on Canova’s success.

“Never did I know I was in the presence of a god,” Grady said. “All these years of passing him in the halls, swapping looks of exhaustion and despair. Who knew that Jay would make it to the top?”

Filming has begun, and there is no guarantee the episode will even air. CAPA will erect a statue of Canova in place of the fountain between the theatre and music buildings. Ratings for the spin-off series have plummeted and producers are not optimistic about the show’s success. Scott Burrell, head of Theatre & Dance, will get a tattoo of Canova’s face on his left butt cheek.

“I don’t understand what is happening,” Canova said. “I didn’t even want anyone to know about this. I’m just trying to get booked.”

Plans for the reconstruction of the new Varnado CAPA dorms will be halted in order to reroute the budget for the Jay Canova Scholarship of Excellence, which will be awarded to nobody in particular.

We have received reports that the audition process was brutal, with Canova having to compete against hundreds of other talented young actors with the same build, height, and qualifications as Jay Canova.

“Can you not publish this?” Canova asked. “I just showed up and they asked me to do it. There was no audition. I really don’t want anyone else finding out, quite frankly, it’s embarrassing.”